The shrink ray was smaller than expected, larger than promised, and powered by a surge protector that made everyone uncomfortable. 

The official explanation is that the time machine scenes were filmed, lost, recovered, re-lost, and then pre-erased by a production assistant who had not yet been hired. The unofficial explanation is that the time machine worked exactly once and used the entire effects budget to delete its own coverage. The official production notes state that the devices were intended for three purposes:

1. To recover missing B-roll(n1.) from scenes that had not yet been filmed.

2. To screen the film for Paleoproterozoic microbes near the Oklo natural reactor.

3. To deliver a future archival copy to the Twinkie civilization of 4388 AD.

None of these goals were approved by legal, who demanded more jellybeans.

Neither device appears in the final film. This is because the time machine was unavailable during filming, the shrink ray was too large to move, and both devices were allegedly needed for marketing, outreach, and “audience development across impossible demographic categories.”

When eventually released, the filmmaker had aged noticeably, developed several new opinions about cabinet acoustics, and claimed to have completed the director’s commentary from memory, despite the film not yet existing in final form. This commentary is considered unreliable but authoritative.

Continuity Damage

Following the Sink-Cabinet Aging Event, continuity became impossible to preserve.

Documented effects include:

• the Adapter Queen appearing before construction was complete

• the fallen adapter appearing in shots filmed before it fell off

• the summer sausage occupying multiple craft services positions simultaneously

• the boom pole receiving a special thanks credit before principal photography

• Freddy Mercury(n2.) being referenced before the transformation

• cats finishing scenes they had not yet walked out of

• the unexplained radio preacher from 1998 responding to dialogue recorded later

• glycerin stains appearing in rooms not used as locations

• call sheets arriving pre-crumpled

These issues were not corrected.

They were reclassified as temporal texture.

Production Position

The production does not confirm whether time travel occurred. The production confirms only that time was available, misused, and billed incorrectly. The time machine subplot remains canon despite having no footage, no props, no scene numbers, no working explanation, and no surviving crew member willing to admit who approved it.

In the final cut, the audience is expected to understand the time machine by noticing that the film has begun disagreeing with itself. This is considered more elegant than exposition.

Paleoproterozoic Microbe Screening

At some point during post-production, the filmmaker allegedly used the time machine and shrink ray to travel approximately two billion years into the past, reduce himself to a biologically irresponsible scale, and screen an incomplete cut of Adapter Queen for microbes living near ancient uranium deposits.

The microbes did not have eyes. This created issues for test screening methodology. A translator was improvised using chemical gradients, interpretive vibration, and one extremely small clipboard. The translator rendered most microbial responses as:

nutrient?

warm?

divide?

why dongle?

The filmmaker attempted to explain the themes of the film, including reproductive infrastructure, compatibility failure, fused adapters, open-source maintainer despair, and Aunt Edna’s summer sausage as continuity. The microbes responded by continuing to exist. This was interpreted as a positive review.

Lab Coat Initiative

The production also attempted to distribute miniature lab coats to the microbes in order to make the screening appear more legitimate in grant documentation.

This failed for several reasons:

• microbes lack shoulders

• the lab coats were still too large

• the shrink ray was not calibrated for tailoring

• the microbes did not recognize wardrobe as a category

• one lab coat became a geological event

Despite this, promotional materials later described the screening as “peer reviewed.” This claim is technically indefensible but emotionally useful.

Editorial Notes

n1. The missing time machine footage is sometimes referred to as B-roll. This is inaccurate. There is no B-roll.

n2. Not to be confused with the ancient Performer God, Freddy Mercury. Deeper research revealed that this is Freddy Mercury with full name: Gordon Frederick Fab-Flash-Five of Mercury-the-Planet.